Why "Doorbell Friends" May Be the Most Important Relationship You Have

"Friendship is the original life hack," friendship expert Matt Ritter believes. And while plenty of people may try to optimize their lives with better sleep, healthier eating, or stricter fitness routines, the best version of yourself may simply show up when you're surrounded by your friends. As great as friends can be, though, building and maintaining those relationships isn't exactly effortless. And when you don't prioritize your catchups or hangouts, loneliness has a way of creeping in fast. According to Ritter, this is why it's so important to become and find a "doorbell friend." Experts Featured in This Article Matt Ritter is a friendship expert and the author of the weekly newsletter "The Friendship Habit." What Is a Doorbell Friend? A doorbell friend is someone who can show up at your house, ring the doorbell, and be welcomed – welcomed in a way that makes the whole thing feel like less of a nuisance and more of a fun and pleasant surprise. "It's a friendship that fits into your life as it is, not something you have to manufacture time for," Ritter adds. In other words, these are the people you don't have to make official plans to see. With a doorbell friend, you don't plan hangouts in advance — you just show up and your presence is welcomed. For example, maybe you swing by their house to say hi when you are driving around near their neighborhood. Maybe you call them when you're at the grocery store and see something that reminds you of them. Maybe you text them because your favorite taco place just announced a two-for-one deal. "Most adult friendships live on weekends — dinners, big nights out, things that require planning. But real closeness is built on Tuesdays; it's a quick pop-in, a 15-minute call after work, or throwing pizza on a table together," Ritter says. The Importance of a Doorbell Friend Being and having doorbell friends in your life makes friendship feel effortless. "I have found it's actually easier to slide someone into what's already happening in a friend's life than create a whole new occasion to see them," Ritter says. "And because it's easier, it can happen more frequently." Being a doorbell friend also prevents friends from drifting apart, because when you make small efforts to see your friend, it may be more effective than having bigger plans that only happen occasionally. "Instead of optimizing for the perfect hang, which inevitably gets postponed multiple times, you start optimizing for access," Ritter says. For example, next time you want to run errands, invite your friend. Or the next time you see a T-shirt that would look incredible on your friend, buy it and drop it off at their house just because. "Closeness comes from consistency, not intensity," Ritter says. Of course, some people are hesitant to become a doorbell friend because they don't want to feel like they're interrupting. But according to Ritter, when you open yourself up to this, it makes the friendship that much stronger and easier. How to Become a Doorbell Friend The best way to become a doorbell friend (and make some of your own) is by saying yes to low-stakes hangs, Ritter says. Instead of planning elaborate nights out that may require childcare or reservations, he suggests lowering the bar. "Invite people into your actual life. Call without a reason. Pop in. Drop by with their coffee order. We all want to be seen, but even more so, we want to be known. Nothing makes people feel better than someone knowing your drink order," Ritter says. When you do this for your friends, make sure they know they're welcome to do the same with you. "If you explicitly tell someone, 'Hey, you can always swing by,' it changes the relationship and rules," Ritter says. "It erases an invisible boundary that only exists in all of our minds. People feel closer to you just by knowing they have that access, even if they don't use it all the time." Though not every friend in your life will be a doorbell friend (and that's OK!), finding ones — and becoming doorbell friends for others — is the best way to optimize your life and happiness. "Yes, you have to put a little effort in, but the rewards are higher than anything else you can do to improve your life," Ritter says. So the next time you want to do something for yourself — a cold plunge, a workout class, book a massage — ask yourself when's the last time you talked to a friend. "If your version of self-care doesn't involve other people, you're probably doing it wrong," Ritter says. 49476804 Taylor Andrews is the senior balance editor at Popsugar, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With eight years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.